State of my heart, winter 2012/13: FROZEN. ROCK SOLID.
Where we last left off, I was all butterflies and batted eyelashes over Firemedic, who subsequently disappeared into the ether without a trace after skipping town on a 2 week vacation out east. I wasn’t invested in him enough to care much.
Following that, I got really into my book club and preferred hanging out with my friends for awhile. I was feeling utter boredom wasting hours of my life on bad dates where I know 30 seconds in that it’s never going anywhere. Why can’t there be a socially acceptable way to take one look at the guy, shake his hand, say “thanks but no thanks” and everyone can just walk away without spending a penny or hurting any feelings? Riddle me that. EVERYONE would be better off for it.
Shortly after this dating malaise began, we entered the holiday season, aka Dating No Fly Zone. (I contend that it is bad planning to purposely seek out a fledgling relationship immediately prior to awkward family festivities and multiple expensive gift giving occasions.) This period extends from just after Canadian Thanksgiving through to just before Valentine’s Day. I’ve stopped caring entirely that I’m single, I’ve read a lot of great books and spent some good quality time with my girls. I have zero desire to go on a date that I don’t have a good feeling about, just for the sport of it.
Despite all this, I do get notifications from online dating sites from time to time that DragonSlayerXXX winked at you! Bbm_me69 wants to meet you! Groove*thang has sent you a message! So I click through to the site and check out these dudes’ profiles. I nearly fell off my chair last week when there was one that actually seemed… sweet and normal? He was a 36 year old divorced guy with a golden retriever, a bunch of photos, NONE OF WHICH INVOLVED SHIRTLESS CELL PHONE PICS REFLECTED IN A CLOUDY MIRROR! and we had a bunch of interests in common. He wrote me a message that demonstrated he could spell and string sentences together coherently, and promptly asked me out for coffee after I replied to him.
Should have stopped while he was ahead. Here’s the rundown of ridiculousness that ensued:
Upon accepting the coffee date, he asked me if Tim Horton’s was okay. Uh, fast food, dude? You’re inviting me to the food court? Why not roll out the red carpet and spring for McDonald’s? I seriously contemplated not responding after this, but against my better judgment I suggested we could do better than Timmies. We went to Starbucks (his choice out of 3 that I gave him).
He asked me when I showed up if I’d like a drink. The phrasing suggested he was paying. Then he just… didn’t. It got momentarily awkward at the counter, and then I pulled out my wallet to buy my own drink. He then made noises like he might add a drink to my order that I was buying. But he finally opted to order nothing, claiming he didn’t want “any of that sugary crap in his system.” I asked him what his usual Timmies order is. It’s a double double.
We exchanged some riveting conversation. Highlights:
Him: “So… I see you’re an Aquarius! Your birthday must be coming up soon!”
Me: “Yup, in a couple of weeks.”
Him: “You’re really an Aquarius right? Like you’re not on the cusp of Capricorn are you?”
Me: “Nope, pretty solidly in the middle of the Aquarius camp. Why?”
Him: “Oh, because I’ve dated too many Capricorns and they’re all fucking bitches and crazy. I won’t date them anymore.”
Me: “I have a friend who took a palmistry course and she read my palm recently. I thought it would be fun but didn’t expect much from it, but she had some crazy insights that she couldn’t have known any other way.”
Him: “That’s bullshit.”
… awkward pause …
Him: “Oh but if you close your hand like this, the number of creases at your thumb tell you how many kids you’re going to have.”
Me: “I’ve never heard that before!” Showing him my closed hand… “How many am I going to have?”
Him: Visibly turned off. “Looks like zero.”
Him: “Yeah I had this girl back to my apartment on the second date a little while ago, and she was so weird. She was so hung up on cleanliness.”
Me (alarmed): “How so?”
Him: “Well, like I’m kind of messy, and I’d just cooked a big spaghetti dinner the night before, so I had dirty dishes piled up in the sink and there were crumbs and stuff all over the kitchen counters. And I never put laundry away, I hate it. So I have laundry piled everywhere in my place. I use my ironing board to dump all my clothes on, I never fold them. She was making fun of me for the clothes all over the place.”
Me: “Huh. Sounds like maybe you two were a bit of a mismatch on the housekeeping front.”
Him: “Yeah. And then when she came back for the third date, she looked around and was like, wow, you still haven’t cleaned up huh! And I told her that’s just how my place is. I asked her if it bothered her. And she said yup, it’s kind of dealbreaker actually! And then she LEFT! Right at the beginning of the date! Crazy bitch. I am who I am. I’m not gonna change myself for some chick I barely know.”
About 20 minutes into our coffee date…
Him: “I bought two guitars a few weeks ago. I’m teaching myself to play. Hey, you know what? I feel like playing right now. I need to practice. I don’t even have a coffee to drink. Come on back to my place, you can meet my dog, I’ll play you Mary Had a Little Lamb on my guitar!”
I thought he was kidding and laughed it off the first time with a joke about his song of choice. When he suggested it twice more, I told him I wouldn’t be going back to his place on a first date. He kept pushing two or three more times to come back to his place so he could practice the guitar. Is this some sort of euphemism for sex I’m not familiar with? Back off buddy. Dudes with a sense of entitlement who don’t respect boundaries certainly don’t get anywhere with me, and I already didn’t like him by this point. I tossed back the rest of my coffee and told him it was clear that I was coming between him and his precious guitar practice so I wouldn’t keep him any longer. He seemed offended, but he left. First time I’ve ever gotten out of a terrible date in under an hour! 35 minutes, aaaaannnnnnnd out. Anyone else find his double standards hilarious?
Ohhhh and the clincher… he has the same name as my horrible ex-fiance. Beware of men named Chris, nothing good can come of it!
So, yeah. Not really interested in dating right now unless there’s reasonable grounds to believe I’d have more fun than if I stayed home curled up with a great book.