It’s been awhile since I’ve shared any dating stories with you guys! There’s a reason for that… as I shared here, I’ve made virtually no effort to date anyone over the last several months. A couple of weeks ago, however, in a fog of weekend boredom, I spent four hours chatting with a guy on an online dating site. It started off as a simple hello, but he turned out to be a great conversationalist and we were talking well into the wee hours of the morning, only stopping when our eyelids were drooping. We ended the conversation with plans to go for a hike the next morning and see if we had as much fun in person.
I found him at the agreed-upon meeting spot, his pooch in tow (ALWAYS A PLUS!) I made fast friends with the dog first, and then we set out for a two-hour trek in the woods. Initially a little skeptical of being alone for two hours with a guy I’d never met before and with no quick way out if he turned out to be crazypants, I relaxed upon meeting him. He was chatty, interesting, and had a casual demeanor with me that made me feel immediately as though I’d known him for years, and we didn’t run out of conversation at any point.
At the end of the hike, I found myself disappointed that it was over, and I suppose he’d been thinking the same thing, so we went to get coffees and drove down to the beach to sip and chat some more. There he kissed me, and we ended up spending nine (!!!) hours together that first day. When we parted ways finally, I felt like my life had just been flip-turned upside down and I was floating on a cloud. I couldn’t believe the ease that I felt with him; it immediately seemed that I had an established boyfriend.
Again, it seemed the feeling was mutual with him, and on our second date, he made a tactical error. He must have been feeling close to me and felt comfortable sharing information that you would normally not disclose on a second date. After a casual question asking how long he’d had Kira his dog, I was bombarded with the following:
- He’d just gotten Kira back from his ex two weeks prior.
- Kira had been with his ex because she had “stolen” the dog when they broke up and tried to use Kira as leverage to get back together.
- When that didn’t work, SHE HAD HIM ARRESTED. With handcuffs, and he was escorted away from their place in a cop car! For physical harassment? The story he told me: When he wouldn’t agree to stay together with his ex, she lost control and began physically lashing out at him. To keep her from hitting and punching him, he wrapped his arms around her to immobilize her until she calmed down. She called the police afterwards saying he’d physically restrained her. I actually believe him that this was just a desperate manipulative ploy that she pulled in order to regain some power, and I don’t think he physically abused her, but still… RED FLAG.
- This all went down a mere 6 weeks ago.
- Due to the recency of this situation, he actually was still couch-surfing with his buddy following moving out of the apartment he had shared with his ex, and would be moving into his own place the following weekend.
- Oh yeah, and crazy ex is HIS CURRENT WIFE. Due to divorce law in Canada, he can’t file for divorce until they’ve been separated for one full year. 6 weeks down, 46 to go!!!
- On an unrelated note but just for kicks to add to this barrel of laughs, he does a lot of marijuana. Like, A LOT. Daily.
Any sane person would probably run away kicking & screaming, but I have always had trouble processing overwhelming information in the moment that I encounter it. So I deferred to my usual tactic of Smooth Things Over And Deal With It Later. I spent the next little while reassuring him that it was okay, and he kept confiding in me the finer points of his breakup with this woman. Eventually I succeeded in changing the subject to a lighter topic, and we had some dinner and wine and fun. I shoved this bonkers tale onto a dusty shelf in the back corner of my brain for later examination.
When he’d left and I had some time to reflect on the mess I’d gotten myself into, I thought back to the details of our conversation about his breakup with his wife. He’d assured me he was over her, which was very plainly not the case. What he meant, I think, was that he had no intention of getting back together with her, which I believe… but the sheer emotion that arose while he was hyper-focused on talking about this relationship made it crystal clear that this really lovely guy was just at the beginning phase of dealing with the fallout from his separation. And he had no business whatsoever being registered on an online dating site. Not only that, but I’d noticed an awful crassness to his language while he was worked up about this story. Listen, I sometimes have quite the sailor-mouth myself, and I have a pretty high tolerance for swearing… but it was literally 2 curse words per sentence and really gross ways of describing things. I was offended and that’s quite a feat!
On the other hand, none of this erased the connection I’d felt with him. After running it by a couple of close friends, I decided that I could possibly deal with the horrible timing of our meeting if the swearing turned out to be something that happened only because he was upset, and was never directed at me in anger… and if he could agree not to ever do any pot around me.
So I very cautiously approached a third date a few days later, and the pot-smoking came up in conversation. I asked him to please not do it around me, and he said it wouldn’t be much fun for him if he couldn’t smoke up and then watch a movie with me or relax in his own home with it. And that was that. There were about ELEVENTY BAJILLION great reasons not to date this guy, and I was willing to consider it anyway, but that one? Dealbreaker.
It started and finished so fast, now it seems like a crazy surreal dream. But it did remind me how nice it feels to have someone in your life that you relate to that way.